Thursday, January 14, 2016

voices on my shoulders

don't get ahead of yourself
she warned from within
sharp pains to the throat
don't last in this cold
eery, grey, and submerged
beneath the weight of the wind
and what lingers and dances
inside it
keep hope but hide it some
so they don't look for your face
when you fall
extravagant ripples of smoke
and brand new air
battling for their place
in the here
blown off by the savage
approaching of a lion to a watering hole
with more composure than
you're ever given credit for
so keep quiet, keep them guessing
surprise attacks can take place in the light

Sunday, January 3, 2016

the rolling stone who came to a halt

choking on all that tomorrow may bring
i set forth with an open mind
through the grunts and the coughs
i can hear myself gasping
for air but not for revival
for one last time to tell you that
of all the skin and bone in this
place and of all the
beating blood of my life
i have never been
more infatuated with another
than i have
been with you
before i die tonight or then
i must tell you
the vibrations of my epidermis
make their waves
for you and all you stand
for never dulling
around you in hesitation
or dismissal of
the power you hold
over the swelling of my chest
because for the first
and last time
since the year i first remember
i can claim life as booming
as flowing, real, and true
all because of
elusively mobile you

blow out your candles & make a wishhh

2 January 2016

Today's my birthday. I crossed the line between mid-twenties and late twenties and I feel fine. Good even. Being so close to New Year's, I tend to think doubly about my past year and reflect profoundly to try to make the next a little better. Here are some things I have learned in 2015.

1. You must test yourself all the time. Travel across the country to visit your cousins all by yourself. Move into a new apartment when your current one has all the ingredients of an anxiety cocktail. Let go of people you've known forever when they no longer bring joy and positivity into your life.

2. You need to celebrate yourself even when it's not your birthday. You deserve to travel and explore and find adventure simply for existing. But even more so on your birthday to acknowledge that you've survived another year in this wild, wonderful, wacky, weird world.

3. Some chapters within your story do not have clear endings. Some goodbyes are one-sided, so write your own and move along. There are bigger and better characters waiting to meet you.

4. Planning and making lists can bring clarity and calm to the chaos of your everyday. But remember that all of life shouldn't be a continual crossing off of items. Lists help with errands and chores, but don't get carried away and begin to list off every bit of fun in your life, too. Baking cookies, watching Christmas movies, decorating your tree all lose their magic if you only do them so you can cross them off a list (even hypothetical ones).

5. It can get discouraging to face each day when the things you hope for seem so far out of reach. Pray hard and know that what we imagine for ourselves can't hold a flame to what He has in store for us. Have faith and find little bits of joy in each day through the things you love. When we follow the things that bring us pieces of happiness, I have a feeling they will open us up to worlds of glory.

6. New York City at Christmastime is every bit as magical as it is hyped up to be. I am officially enchanted.

7. God is good. So so so so good. I wish more people knew Him.

8. When you lose someone who held a part of your heart in place, you never get over the fact that they are no longer physically around you. You just learn to grow accustomed to their absence. It doesn't get easier, you just get more used to it. I mean this for family and friends. Old boyfriends usually fade more thoroughly, thank Heavens.

9. Forgiveness is like a superpower. One of God's many gifts to us is forgiveness - and not just the kind He gives us, but also the kind we are asked to give others. What a weight that is lifted from our shoulders when we choose to forgive others. It is not our burden to bear or our judgment to make - leave that to the Big Guy. Just love others as much as you can. You can never run out of love, so give it away freely, especially to those who need it most. (Also remember that forgiving is not forgetting, and that we must learn from our mistakes and act accordingly in the future. Be not a fool.)

10. Smile at people more. It's healing. For all parties involved.

11. There is not a right time to do things. Life's not long enough to wait around until things always feel right. Wear that weird outfit you love. Tell someone you like their face. Kiss him already.

12. Your intuition is powerful. Listen to it. Learn from it. Listen to it better the next time.

13. Happiness and all the many forms of it seem to approach more quickly when you ask for it and search for it. It doesn't fall into your lap by you sitting around. Laziness is the quickest path to uneasiness and darkness. Get up. Get out. Meet people. Go places. That's how you're more likely to find happiness. (Even us introverts!)

14. So many things that are good for us begin with the "R" sound. Read. Write. Run. Ramble. Recycle.

15. All those boys in bands and on the silver screen are no more magical than the ones around you in life. All it takes is a clear head to watch a few interviews to realize they're, more often than not, pretty lame. Now while Justin Bieber has some sort of spell over me with his new album, he is an exception. Just kidding, he's a mess, too. Find a real boy, the kind that exists in the everyday world. They're the ones who aren't speaking for a camera or dressing for a photo. They're just living, as it should be.

16. When you lose one tangible thing that meant so much to you, like the gold car that drove your sister and you out to Tennessee for Bonnaroo and your family to the beach over and over again, it loosens your attachment to pretty much every other material thing. There's a freedom in that lack of attachment. The less you have, the less you have to lose. Give your shit away, minimalism is quite beautiful.

17. Barn cats turned house cats are scary, terrifying, unpredictable, and eternally feral. You have been warned. And yet, they also have the power to save you from yourself. Remember that, too.

18. Patience is underrated. There are very few things more beautiful in another human being than patience. It's important to be consciously aware of yourself, and aim for better patience, so you can be that person to someone or something else. (Babies, pets, spouses, coworkers, etc.)

19. Being productive should rarely be equivalent to exhausting yourself with work. That's how people burn out. Work hard, but remember you are a human being whose first priority is to live well and take care of the people (and animals) you love. That's true productivity.

20. Keep perspective. See the big picture. Enjoy as many of the details of that picture as you can, but don't forget what it looks like overall.

21. Find people like you. They exist. We just have to know the places to look. (This one is currently in progress for me.)

22. Believe in your big dreams. Actress? Writer? Musician? Try to be realistic about your abilities, but only to gauge your starting point. We can all get better at our craft. When we aim for the moon, sometimes we land on a star, but it's all part of the same night sky, all part of the same world. Have an ideal and go for it. You might not end up where you initially intended, but the outskirts of an ideal can be pretty extraordinary, and often even better than the dream itself.

23. Practice self-discipline. Set the alarm. Wake up. Go for a walk or a run. Even on a Saturday. Make yourself listen to yourself. Your words and your ambitions have weight, so act like it.

24. Remember music has a power like nothing else. Listen to old favorites. Discover new ones. Let it heal and soothe and calm your soul.

25. No one can make you feel old without your consent. Thank you, Eleanor, for your wording.

26. You. Are. Magic.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas is love

when the world starts to twinkle
in its stars and lights and eyes
and the children's magic
makes its way into grown up hearts
we hear the bells and look for the sleigh
we pray to the baby so cold in a barn
who came into this world
with a purpose
the tiny little body
holding more hope and love and peace
than the world had ever known
it's the time of year when we remember
how blessed we are for the people
who share our flesh and blood
and the ones who feel like they do
this is when we share our reflections
on another year almost gone
and thank the Lord for each and every
being in the stories of our lives

Tuesday, December 8, 2015


if your compulsions make your heart hurt a little, and you find yourself holding your breath waiting for the response of your impulses, you just might be starting to do something right. you just might be starting to really live this life.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

always a match in the night

When your mind and thoughts are constantly humming through your head and tapping our their sound, there is no such thing as a lazy day. When your chest hurts from responsibility and your breathing has no recognizable pattern, there is no such thing as calming down. When your heart is dark and sad and your eyes begin to lose their gleam, there is no such thing as sleeping it off. When your motivation lacks and you find it hard to be inspired, there is no such thing as taking time to yourself. When your people show no interest in hearing about your day or peering into your rotting soul, there is no such thing as finding help. When your tunnel is blackened and you're numbly floating through, there is no such thing as persistence and planning. When it becomes incomparable work to get up each morning and find resolution in the sunlight, there is no such thing as being positive. If you've lost all that once made you full and warm, you must remember to drop to your knees, because there is hope. There is always hope. Even in the blackest times of desperation.

There is always hope.

drifting sight over bars of light

her life was passing like a car on the freeway. neon lights blurring by as she swept through the excitement and life lying in the brightness. each hue of a neon sign or store light holding potential, but she couldn't focus on the individual glowing streaks, because her eyes were only trained in drifting.