heavy living

the weight of the world will drag you down if you let it. sometimes people get lucky and someone comes along to lighten the load. sometimes they don't. you can't depend on help that may never come. learn to throw off the burdens and only carry the bare essentials. pack light. live heavy.

the thing is

i'm sorry for not swallowing my pride when i had the chance
i'm sorry for not being able to see past my own reservations
i'm sorry for not grabbing your hand when i was terrified
i'm sorry for not telling you about all the words you inspired in my head
i'm sorry for not letting myself feel how you knew i could
i'm sorry for not hearing all the things you said without your voice
i'm sorry for not allowing our hearts to do the talking
i'm sorry for not screaming at you to wake up to what was in front of you
i'm sorry for not understanding that we were too different sooner
i'm sorry for not listening to my own cries for help
i'm sorry for not placing the blame where it rightfully belonged
i'm sorry for not thinking i was worth the risk of losing you
i'm sorry for not believing that i could make it on my own
the thing is
i'm sorry for underestimating myself.
i'm sorry for caring for someone else first.
i'm sorry for leaning against you instead of on my own two feet.
i'm sorry for not giving myself a chance.
i'm sorry for a lot of things,
but the thing is,
i'm not sorry for losing you
because i didn't care enough
in the first place
for a reason.

the twinge of winter and the tight grip of frozen air

9-17-15; 22:42

she was the kind of girl
who never took the jacket
you offered
even when flurries of snow were
on their way down her hair
she said she liked the chills
the bitter frost
because it made her feel wide awake
and she remembered all too well
when that wasn't the case
when that couldn't be the case
because numbness had robbed her of it
for now, she wanted the heat of her cheek
to melt the snow where it landed
she wanted to feel jack frost
because he reminded her
she had awoken

the lost entry

11-9-14; 15:24

There came a time when we just weren't looking in the same direction anymore. My dreams still consisted of sea spray and salty air, while his view suddenly had the pitter-patter of a baby's first footsteps across a hardwood kitchen floor. We came to realize that the baby, as it waddled away from him, was not running into my arms, but some other girl's. I was not the future mother of his future children. He was not the hand I was holding on the beach, with my coffee in the other. We accepted it and moved on with our own lives. What we didn't realize was how much of each other we would take with us on our separate journeys.

Revelations of a Twenty-Something Kid: #1

It's alright to stay home on a Saturday night, eating candy corn and applesauce in a pouch, playing with your cats, writing in your virtual diary, and waiting for SNL to come on in four hours. Sometimes it's nice to enjoy your own company and that of your treasures and pets. Sometimes, when you're alone, it doesn't seem all that lonely.

you were

you were the anticipation to a cancelled party
you were the image on the postcard, recolored and retouched
you were the breath and the whisper of a handsome stranger
you were the fabricated, idealized idea of a boy
you were the wishful thinking of a teenager
you were the intoxicated warmth of liquid courage
you were the afterthought to a night of sadness
you were the cavalier smile hazed by blurry vision
you were the long drive home after a loss
you were the chest pains of unrequited love
you were the glowing window in the dead of night
you were the polite wave when they let you go first at the stop sign
you were the embodiment of all they wanted you to be
you were the suppressed eccentricity of your truth
you were the empty promises of sober thoughts spilling out as drunken words
you were the ellipses to a sentence in which I was the subject
you were the keeper of closure that you held out of reach above me
you were the vessel of destructive power with a lack of responsibility
you were the confusion of mixed signals and interrupted messages
you were the anger and the rage of a maddening love
you were the silent eyes on a melancholy man
you were the one to empty "love of my life" into the darkness
you were the notion that being young is a curse
you were the dust trail of a speeding car leaving town
you were the heart that my heart adored
you were the boots that trampled my body in a dazed rush
you were the prayers of a desperate, broken soul
you were the tears of an unbearably lonely child
you were the swirling of coffee and cream before the mug shattered
you were the set of eyes resembling that brew
you were the ending to a story never started
you were the protagonist caught in the middle
you were the king of a castle meant for two
you were the night sky with only the North Star visible
you were the boy who changed the way I saw the world
you were the teenager who only held my hand to keep yours from fumbling
you were the mystery of blind fascination and a furiously beating heart
you were the familiar hug after weeks of fighting over nothing
you were the refusal to take a dare to kiss me because it wasn't fair
you were the ugly side of someone unsure of how to feel
you are the thoughts stuck in my head ten years later

black cat magic

the paranoia sets in
as he crosses the threshold
uninvited yet somehow welcome
the curiosities of your mind
encircle his darkness
as he slinks and he stalks
towards your form
soft as the dark hue of blue
in the star-peppered sky
and quick as the wind
tearing through trees
he winds through your home
mysteriously deliberate
and as he sweeps out
he takes you with him
into the night you follow
on foot as he hides
in the black corners of the street
you can't not trail him
anticipating what you will find
where his body might lead
and he stops, looks around
meets his eyes with yours
winks and at once becomes
one with the night
twirling madly around
you come to a halt when the cold
gust of air hits you
your eyes are opened and wide
to the dancing of dead leaves
and the smell of magic
you feel the enchantment
left by the spell-casting feline
and will eternally
find peace in the dark